Adventures in the Kissing of Frogs

The ex was by far the worst, but by no means the first. Here is a brief list of some of the other frogs I've kissed...

I must've been drunk to put up with this...

• When I was at college I briefly went out with a boy a couple of years older than me. He went away somewhere for half term, and called me on the Friday to say he was staying longer than expected, so wouldn't see me on Valentine's day, and could I please get up the next morning and call him in sick to work. When he came back he sat down on a bench with me and told me he'd met a girl while he was away, and he thought she really could be "the one" so he had to pursue it.
• There was the coke head who spent hours chatting me up while I worked in a pub, and would often tell his friends "yeah I'll catch you up in a minute" before leaving with me - surefire way to ensure the friends hate the girlfriend. I later found out the whole time he was with me, he was chasing after his ex. He told me afterwards that he had always been in love with her - as if this was supposed to make me feel better about it.
• The coke head's friend, who saw his chance when he told me about the coke head's meetings with his ex. Asked me out... I don't think we ever went on a date, I told him I wasn't interested. For the next couple of months I would get text messages at all hours of the day and night ranging between "oh please just go out with me I think you're lovely" and "you're such a cold hearted bitch." He drank a lot, and it seems at those times I was at the forefront of his mind. In the end I had to ask his father to make him stop texting me.
• The one my friends called "horse face" because he looked like a horse. Never took me anywhere, never did anything. Dumped me by just plain ignoring me - even though we were the only two people in the room.
• The cute one my housemates were convinced was gay. Had recently split with his short, blonde ex. Clearly didn't fancy being single over Christmas, or grovelling to her. Dumped me in the New Year by saying he didn't have time for a girlfriend... before going back to his ex, and then bringing her into the pub where I worked to show her off. Nice.
• The one who, every Tuesday, had "movie night" with a female friend. They would get roaring drunk and watch porn together before falling asleep/passing out in his bed. He couldn't understand why I had a problem with it.
• The one who was married "in name only," they were more like best friends, but they owned a house together and couldn't sell in the current climate. I found out later that he and his wife were very much together, and he had told lies on top of lies, on top of lies. About the most ridiculous things. The most ridiculous was when he told me he'd got food poisoning from a group meal he never attended, and called in sick for work telling them he'd got food poisoning from having gone-off milk on his cereal. Nobody knows what he was really up to. He seemed surprised when I turned up on his doorstep with a bag full of his stuff and told him to get knotted.
• There was one who really hated for me to use the internet at all, especially the blog I'd been maintaining for years before I met him. Went mental at me one Christmas after finding out I'd started a Facebook account. Spent the entire festive period telling me he wasn't sure he could handle it and we might have to split up. I found out later he'd had a Facebook for years.
• Another guy was manager in a hotel, and I would go and stay with him there. He owned a house with his ex, but they couldn't afford to sell it yet; he didn't want to take me home and rub her nose in the fact they'd split up. One day, out shopping, I got a call asking if I'd been sleeping with this guy. I asked why and the voice responded, "he's my fiance." I texted him asking what the hell was going on, and he replied asking me to please just lie to the girl and tell her there had been nothing going on between us.
• One guy I went out with was always either drunk, stoned or both on the weekends. We'd arrange for him to meet me from work at 3pm, but he never showed. Sometimes I would go round to his house, and find him still in bed asleep. He stopped speaking to me just before Christmas, presumably to avoid buying me a present, and then sent me an email mid-January from Leeds, where he had suddenly moved to.
• There was one guy who ran a pub; he used to come over on Friday nights with a bottle of vodka and proceed to get completely smashed, before we'd even left the house to go anywhere. I had to get drunk too. That was usually the one night a week I saw him. I don't even remember why we stopped seeing each other.
• Then there was the guy who had split with his girlfriend a few months ago and moved in with his mother - but was going back to the house he owned with the ex on weekends, to fix it up ready to sell. He dumped me right before Christmas because he'd decided, despite telling me a million times that it could never happen, to go back to the ex and try again.
• A guy I had worked with a few years previously found me on Facebook and asked me out. I used to catch him checking out his muscles in mirrors, windows, any reflective surface. We went out about three times, and against my better judgement I went to his parents' house for Sunday lunch one weekend. He didn't live around here, but came back to visit at weekends. A couple of weeks later he invited me to his parents' place again. When I told him, I'm sure your family would rather see just you, since they don't see you often, his response was "you're part of the family now!" I ran for the hills. He was very bitter over the terrible way he believed I had treated him. 

Now you all know why I eat so much chocolate.

This post is not an attempt at revenge on those who have wronged me; I think this list says more about me than any of the men involved.

That said, if you recognise yourself in this list, and are offended... well, I'm not sorry; perhaps you should try to be less of a twat.

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