Today, I don't want to be a single mother any more. Today, I'm stamping my feet and having a tantrum. I've had enough.
Today, I just want a husband/boyfriend/partner to turn around and go "aw babe, you're knackered, go and take a nap and I'll look after S." Past experience tells me how completely unlikely this is to ever happen though; I had a boyfriend at Christmas and not once did he say this. Even S's father never said it when he was here, and she's his child.
Today I want to tell everyone who complains they're tired to just STFU because they really have no idea.
Today, I want to turn round to all my non-single mother friends and say to them, every single time your partner has held the baby, fed the baby, changed the baby's nappy, taken the baby out, made you a drink, given you a kiss and a hug... Imagine how you would have coped if they had not done that.
Logically, I know that most of my friends are alone with their child for large chunks of time, as their partner works during the day, so they do the bulk of the childcare any way.
Logically, I know that I am just over-tired and will feel better once I get some rest.
Logically, I know that being on our own is the best thing for S and I right now because I could never trust an outsider to come in here and take care of her, and I don't have the time to maintain a relationship.
But I'm just so tired. I can't think straight, I have a permanent headache. There is no proper food in the house because I can't make my brain function for long enough to walk around the supermarket and pick up anything of any use. I don't have the energy to get something for myself once I've fed S. I want to ask for help but realistically, who can I ask? There are very few people I trust with S and even if I did, what I really need is for someone to be here all night looking after a teething baby while I sleep. If there's no chance of her own father ever offering to do such a thing, why would anyone else do it?
Yes, I'm feeling very negative and fed up today. But I feel that I'm entitled to a bit of self pity, under the current circumstances.